chelc-bub

i'm getting myself a little bit upset. i don't think one of my friends is talking to me anymore. it's really upsetting. it's like this week is meant to destroy all my bridges, burn them to the ground. i want to reassemble it, make it better than before, ensure it can withstand the weight or forces against it. i don't think i can do it on my own though. it certainly takes two to tango, and three or more to line dance. maybe being a solo act is something i need for a while. i'm trying to understand their points of view, trying very hard to take my own boots off and to place my feet in theirs. it's difficult. it's not exactly a challenging task,

it does amuse me. i don't know why, but it does. i guess it should upset me, but it doesn't. it does the exact opposite of what i think you're trying to achieve. it's so silly of you, and so childlike. everyone's moving on, getting on with it, forgetting about it. but no, you're holding on to some stupid kiss and feeling like you control everything. you don't. you're pathetic. i don't understand what you're going to win in all of this.

i'm a sickening wreck. it's beginning to sink in that it's next week that i leave. i was meant to be leaving on the 17th, but now i'm going on the 18th. i haven't packed a thing. i don't know what i want to leave behind. the only thing i want to take with me, i can't. it's actually heartbreaking. i feel like my whole world is going to be ripped apart. i don't want to spend nights alone when they should be nights together. i don't want to be 260 miles away from the person i want to be nearest. for gods sake, seven miles away is too much sometimes. i'm really scared. terrified.